Part One A bad twist of fate, a crying shame —  childhood’s end, only ourselves to blame.  All those nights together, hungry back seat moans…  In the heat of the moment a seed was sown.  You didn’t tell me until it was too late!  I couldn’t tell you until it was too late.  Why, oh why? You can’t decide the fate  I didn’t want it! You can’t decide the fate  of the innocent one that’s begun to grow.  Don’t deprive a soul of the life it has to know. So she came, the joy and the burden,  the delicate first of the children of children. So much to learn of love and of life!  At least we have each other — let’s try to make it right.  We’ll take a vow to cherish, honor and obey.  Since we’ll be a family, that’s the only way.  I couldn’t love you until you conceived.  You didn’t love me until I conceived!  Why, oh why? And now I must believe  I had to have you, and now I must believe  that we can grow to love with mind and heart,  body and soul, ’til death do us part. A child is both a joy and a burden.  Let’s have another of the children of children.  Part Two So he came, the joy and the burden,  the delicate last of the children of children. Child to husband to father, transition swift.  Child to wife to mother, untimely gift.  The strain of maintaining school, career and home —  no time to breathe, no time for me alone.  I try so hard to give you all you need.  You just don’t know how little I receive!  No education could prepare for this hurt.  Now I understand “for better or worse”… We welcome both the joy and the burden.  God help us raise our children, children of children.    

I’ve gained forty-eight pounds in nine months,  swelled up like a watermelon!  A tear runs down my mascara-stained cheek  and I always find a reason for yellin’.  My husband just stares in wonder  (I can be kind of hard to ignore).  I know he thinks that I’m out of my mind  as he runs to the convenience store. My appetite is odd and endless —  I’m amazed at the junk I inhale.  I just can’t seem to keep from feedin’ my face.  My best friend is “Fudgy the Whale”!  There’s no comfortable position,  I can’t even reach for the phone.  The simplest task is a pain in the ass,  So I bitch, whine, piss and moan. I’ve got the big belly blues again,  so remember when the curses are flying,  it’s because of this old belly o’ mine  and I don’t mean nothin’ by ’em.  Don’t forget this girl still loves you,  in spite of what you’re puttin’ me through.  But there’s just one thing, you horny sonofabitch:  I wish that this could happen to you! You wanna WHAT?? Don’t you come near me with that thing! That’s it — you’re gettin’ fixed…  

What about me? I’ve given all I can.  I love you all — why can’t you understand?  I try for all of you, but what about me?  After I give to you, what’s left for me?

Is it really fair  that I drag through day after day?  I’m pulling out my hair  over bills we cannot pay!  There’s always  so damn much to do.  This isn’t what I wanted,  and I’m stuck in it with you.

We should be as one,  and although you married me,  you won’t share my life.  Did I understand  the meaning of a marriage?  It always meant to me  to have and to hold  until we grow old,  to live safe in a love  that’s sent down from above,  complete unity. But oh, you push me away  every time I draw near.  Do you want it to be this way —  you over there and me over here? Love at a distance…  I can’t live this way.  So much resistance!  Should I walk away? You say you love me,  but you never show me.  You don’t even try  to make me feel good,  and when I need you,  it’s always, “Stay away,  don’t come too close!”  I’m in love with a ghost.  I can’t stand this pain!  You leave me standing in the rain,  you never come to me. And oh, you push me away  every time I draw near.  I don’t want it to stay this way —  you over there and me over here. Love at a distance…  I can’t live this way.  Too much resistance!  Should I walk away? Could I walk away? 

Don’t know why I bother  trying to keep the pace.  There are other things I’m meant to do —  wasn’t born to run this race.  People shake their heads and tell me,  “Boy, it’s time that you grew up!  There’s no room in the world for madmen and dreamers.  When will you give up?” Is there room enough for me?  Oh God, why won’t you listen?  Do you know what it’s like to be  a prisoner in your own life?  I don’t fit in at all.  It’s not my fault, it’s how you made me.  A simple prayer, Lord:  give me wings, please let me fly. You tell me it’s reality,  that I should reason it away  when frustration gnaws my spirit  and the real world gets in the way.  But even you don’t understand me  (too much effort to take the time).  Don’t you know I have been both a madman and dreamer  and can’t live this kind of life? I lie awake while you’re sleeping,  the stain of tears upon my face.  To this cynical world I’m grounded —  the chains of reason lock me in place.  It’s the taste of unknown passion:  hoping for a day and time  when there’s room in the world for madmen and dreamers,  so I can live my life.

I get up in the morning  and I follow my routine:  I go to work. I stay home.  Rat race. Cook and clean.  School bus comes at nine.  Goddamn this traffic line!  Sort the laundry, strip the beds.  Another joyful day ahead… I get off work at five o’clock.  The kids come home at three.  Dinner’s in the microwave.  It’s just the kids and me.  Job two starts at six —  I never see my kids.  Homework, baths and into bed.  Another joyful day can end… Moonlighting ’til ten  and by the time that I get home,  my patience is a tiny nub,  I’m weary to the bone.  The sink is leaking, dear.  You didn’t get my beer!  We should embrace but fight instead.  Another joyful day should end… As a child I wanted to grow up,  to finally be adult,  drink freedom from the cup.  Now I can’t keep up the pace.  There has to be a place  to get out of this race.  Where’s the time to rest and be at ease,  to sit in silent peace,  to do just as I please?  In my life the work is never done —  all I do is run.  There must be something wrong… Morning comes and off we go,  chasing the routine:  off to work or school or home  with other stuff between.  She’s in the cheering line.  He plays ball well for nine.  Clean up, homework, then to bed.  Another joyful day can end… Now I’m at job number two  (a young girl turns my head).  The nighttime soaps will have to do  (there’s not much in my bed).  And when we meet at home,  we’re better off alone —  too exhausted to pretend.  Another joyful day should end… Weekends are no better,  they are just a blur to me:  run all over with the kids  in high anxiety,  and by the time we all get home,  telemarketers are on the phone.  Ain’t no roses in this bed.  And now another joyful…  And now another joyful…  Thank God another joyful day can end!

Here we go again, happens all the time.  Angry with each other, distance suits us fine.  I sit in the dark while you go to bed,  and the words we’ve left unspoken go on spinning in our heads. What’s the problem here? Damned if I know!  Put away your anger, let the love inside you show.  What makes our hearts collide? Is it pride or is it stress?  Must we keep on hurting just to prove who’s best? Put down your weapons, I will not fight.  I will not raise my hand to you, I’m your wife.  Arms are for holding, lips for kisses in the night  and words were meant for kindness, not to prove who is right.  I will not fight.  I will not fight.  I will not fight. Should we feed the fire or douse the cold remains?  Desperate to put this right, it causes us such pain.  Every day a new regret to lock down deep inside.  We should heal our wounds together, not force them open wide. What’s the problem here? I think I know.  This family’s fading fast, but we won’t let it show.  Why should we collide with him? It’s such a mess!  We’ve decided angry silence suits us best. Put down your weapons, we will not fight.  There’s nothing we can do, no way to put it right.  Our arms are folded, our lips are sealed tight.  We’ve learned that words are useless, no matter who is right.  I will not fight.  I will not fight.  I will not fight. Nor will I love you tonight… 

The shadow of a leaden sky  covers my heart.  We lay side by side enough to touch,  but miles apart.  Brimming eyes put the silent question  to the void:  How does it start?  Where does it end? We maintain our distance  to avoid the cutting pain.  The circling dance we do so well  alleviates our shame.  We stare across a silence  so much louder than words —  fields of broken promises,  dreams unfulfilled. It’s not you. It’s not me.  It’s just not how we thought it’d be.  Morning comes — the dream is gone.  We wonder, “Where did we go wrong?” Great expectations  turn to crushing defeats.  The cause is abandoned  to disorderly retreat.  The shattered lives in ruins  that lie within our wake:  our precious children.  So much at stake! Reflections of our faces in  their storm-hollowed eyes  whisper of a legacy  of tears that never dry.  How could we have done this  to ones so little yet?  Will they forgive  what they can’t forget?

Part 1 Rockabye baby on the treetop.  When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.  Something is wrong when they’re left alone  Mommy is naughty when Daddy’s not home. Part 2 I can’t believe you’re doing this!  Running ’round the town,  playing with the party boys…  Which one o’ them is laying you down? Why’re you running crazy?  Why’re you running wild?  Lately you amaze me,  acting like a child. Out the door when I get home,  leaving me with the kids.  You stagger home at daybreak,  vodka on your lips. I know sometimes that I’m no prize —  used to be one in your eyes.  It’s a bitter pill I have to eat.  Choose, Lady, him or me! Part 3 Daddy, where’re you going? Mommy, who’s this man?  What does all this mean to us? Tell us if you can. Daddy, you don’t look so good, of your smile there’s no trace.  It’s weird to see a stranger kissing Mommy’s face. We want to live with both of you, for you to get along.  We don’t understand, don’t know who’s right or wrong. We hear a lot of angry words — do you fight because of us?  Tell us that it isn’t true our family’s breaking up! Sorry, we can’t help it. You’ve forced us to take sides:  boys to boys and girls to girls, to save our shattered lives. Part 4 Rockabye baby on the treetop.  When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.  This house is divided, it’s falling apart.  Mommy’s new boyfriend has stolen her heart. 

Listen to me — I can help this, put it right. 
I can hold us all together, stop the fights. 
Mom, will you stay right here 
while I go and bring Daddy near? 
Please just let me save this family!

I’m only trying to fill in the growing crack.

I’m only trying to bring our family back 
to life, to life! 
Why won’t you listen to me?

Get it together and be good, just be nice. 
Bring back the warmth and sunshine, thaw the ice. 
Mommy, what are your fears? 
Daddy, cut out the jeers! 
Why can’t you see what’s so clear to me?

We can put back all the pieces, heal the pain. 
We can say this never happened, let it fade away. 
Mom, forgive all the years.

Dad, open up your ears. 
Why can’t it be like it used to be?

It’s not you. It’s not me. 
It’s just not how we thought it’d be. 
Morning comes. The dream is gone. 
We wonder, “Where did we go wrong?”

Why won’t you listen to me?

What’d I do to cause this? Please don’t fight. 
I plunged us into madness, blinded sight. 
Mom, can you dry my tears? 
Dad, drive away my fears.Why can’t you see this is killing me?

I’m only trying to fill in the growing crack. 
I’m only trying to bring our family back 
to life, to life! 
Why won’t you listen to me? 
Please, Mommy, listen to me! 
Please, Daddy, listen to me! 
Please, someone listen to me!

Listen to Me 

It’s cool and dark and safe  in this protective little place.  I can’t hurt anyone from here,  nobody can come that near.  It’s my home where I’m all alone.  I take it with me wherever I roam.  Nobody can hurt me here,  nobody can come that near. I’m growing a shell  to protect me in my private hell,  and each layer that I apply  causes part of me to die. There’s no room enough for me.  I know fitting in can’t be.  I hurt Mom by loving Dad,  I hurt Dad by loving Mom back…  Do you know what it’s like to be  a prisoner in here with me?  It’s not my fault, but then again it is.  Is there anything worse than this?

I hope you’re happy.  Did you put him up to this?  It’s all your fault anyway.  Are you trying to wreck these kids?  You don’t really want  anything to do with them.  You just want to pour your vicious lies  into their innocent heads. It’s all your fault,  all your fault.  I’ll make good and sure they know  it’s all your fault,  all your fault.  I’ll make them believe it’s so. I hope you’re happy.  He’s starting to fall apart.  How did you buy his loyalty?  Well, he never was that smart.  My daughter’s the bright one.  She’ll see the truth just fine.  She’ll see you for what you really are.  Now it’s only a matter of time. Now wait a minute there,  my dear.  That’s not fair,  As I’m sure you know.  You’re saying I don’t care,  I fear.  Don’t you dare  Tell our kids it’s so.

I held you, crying, still wet from your birth.  That single moment stopped even the earth.  I was afraid, breathless with awe —  the baby girl I don’t know anymore. I see the tempest churning in your eyes:  driven confusion fueled by lies.  I feel the burning of your anger and rage,  the grinding burden too much for your age. How could you know the guilt that I feel,  the gnawing loss that I wish I could heal?  Yet you believe that’s the way it should be.  You see justice in my agony. You stare in silence, a tower of rage  just like your mother’s silent punishment cage.  My flesh and blood, my essence you shun.  You’ve locked your mind, the damage is done.

What made you do it?  What made you say,  “I don’t believe it —  my father’s not that way!”?  I can only imagine  your life from day to day  and wonder how you held on  when they tried to pull you away. When they accused me,  did you cover your ears  and scream at them to stop  through a shower of angry tears?  Did you get up when it started  and run the other way?  Tell me, how’d you do it?  Tell me, why did you stay? They couldn’t make you  look at me and say,  “I don’t want to  go with you today!”  It worked with your sister.  Where did it fail with you?  What do you see in me  that made it worth what you went through? Did I deserve it?  In many ways I failed —  so much I didn’t do,  so many times I paled.  But you didn’t notice  or hint you’ve ever seen  that I’m merely human,  much less than I may seem.

Can I carry on?  Can I win this fight?  I’m on my knees.  No hope in sight,  just endless night… What can I do, what should I pray?  How do I see beyond this day?  Where do I stand and draw the line?  When do I shout, “No, not this time!”,  for all I’ve left is life? All we had is gone, all we’ve ever known.  You destroyed our humble home,  no mercy shown. God, if you’re listening, hear my cry:  give me a reason to survive!  Bind up my life and take me home.  How can I make it on my own,  when all I’ve left is life? But wait, am I really alone if I still have my son?  I know he’ll be counting on me in battles yet to be won.  He’s young, and it’s my job to help him grow into a man.  Who better than me to prepare him?  I’m doing the best that I can.  How could I go quietly into the night  knowing how much it would hurt him?  I must teach him to fight! I may be down, but I’m not out.  There’s a long road ahead with no room for doubt.  I must be sure, I must be strong.  I must endure, I must go on. I will win this fight.  Just look ahead:  new hope in sight  that shines so bright.

Get it together and be good, just be nice. Bring back the warmth and sunshine, thaw the ice.  We can forget the years!  We can erase the tears!  Why can’t you see what’s so clear to me? I’m only trying to fill in the growing crack!  I’m only trying to bring our family back  to life, to life!  Why won’t you listen to me? If we don’t pick up the pieces, heal the pain  or put this all behind us, it will remain.  You just don’t wanna hear!  You’ve gotta face your fears.  Why can’t you see this is killing me? You can’t imagine  how it hurt me to hear  the guilt trips and the lies,  the pettiness and the sneers.  But somehow I survived it,  convinced I’d find a way  to bring us back together.  Don’t make me sorry I stayed!

Should’ve known it’d be a waste  to bring them face to face.  There will be no healing here,  no one will come that near.  I’ll retreat to my little home,  the only home I’ve known.  There will be no healing here,  no one will come that near. I’m closing the shell  that entombs me in my private hell.  Whatever was left inside  can wither away and die… There’s no life here for me.  Pierce your hearts and let them bleed.  Have you nothing better to do  than to run each other through?  Do you know what it’s like to be  a prisoner in here with me?  It’s not my fault, though you’d say it is.  I never dreamed it would come to this.

I hope you’re happy.  Did you put him up to this?  It’s all your fault anyway.  Did you think I’d fall for this?  You don’t really want  anything to do with me.  You just want to hone your vicious lies.  Did you think I wouldn’t see? It’s all your fault,  all your fault.  In my heart of hearts I know  it’s all your fault,  all your fault.  Don’t try to tell me it’s not so. I hope you’re happy.  He’s really falling apart.  How did you buy his loyalty?  Well, he never was that smart.  I was always the bright one.  I see the truth just fine.  I see you for what you really are.  It was only a matter of time. Your mother is to blame,  my dear.  It’s her game,  and it’s time you know.  You’ll never be the same,  I fear.  What a shame  You believe it’s so. Revenge is sweet —  I taught her well.  Your son, in time,  will do the same.  Until we meet  again in hell,  the pleasure’s mine  to cause you pain.

There’s finally a sense of normality,  those old days forever gone,  a much sweeter taste of reality  in healing the damage we’ve done.  My son is here (moved in last year).  My God, he’s almost a man!  I really enjoy his company —  we’re together unfolding our plan. The days slip by in welcome sameness.  I can’t ask for more than this.  Although this life isn’t painless,  it’s good enough such as it is… We two get along pretty well,  and most days his mood is good.  He does the best he can with his mother’s friend,  to his sister the guy’s very good.  I like what I see around me now,  though not without some regret.  The cost to get here was far from free —  the damage we’ll never forget. The days slip by in welcome sameness.  I can’t ask for more than this.  Although this life isn’t painless,  it’s good enough such as it is… Sometimes at night when the house is still,  I’ll go down to my desk in the den  and write happy endings or poetry.  What a difference between now and then!  These days are okay, but it’s sad in a way  what it took to lead up to this.  At times I doubted I’d see this day.  I’m thankful for such as it is.

Lord, who is this 
delightful creature 
you have placed in front of me? 
An ounce of pepper, 
a pound of fire, 
tender affection just for me… 
Please, I beg you, teach me how 
to love her the way she needs — 
with an open hand, 
an unpossessing heart. 
Help me germinate the seed.

She is not to be captured, 
a trophy or a prize, 
no conquest from a distant shore. 
She, like me, 
is an eagle and a dove 
whose only limit is the sky 
that she must soar.

Please remind me 
not to bind her, 
for if I love her, 
untethered she must go. 
And if I encourage the sky, 
for a time she may fly, 
but I know she’ll be back 
forevermore.

 

Tell me, tell me,  what’s it gonna be?  What is it gonna be?  Are you gonna be just another one  to run me through,  to hold the smoking gun? Tell me, tell me,  just what do you want?  Are you after my heart?  Whatcha gonna do if I fall for you,  break me down,  tear my world apart? Tell me, tell me,  what’s going on?  What are we doing here?  I don’t wanna make another mistake…  Will my hopes be filled  or impaled upon the stake? Tell me, tell me,  what’s it gonna be?  What is it gonna be?  Are you gonna be just another one,  are you gonna be just another one,  are you gonna be just another one  to run me through,  to hold the smoking gun?  

I lie and watch you sleeping,  contentment on your face.  What is it that you’re dreaming?  Can I join you in that place?  I wish that I could be there  if it’s good or if it’s bad,  be the cause of your sweet sighing  or to drive away what’s sad. I’m wide awake tonight,  but living in a dream.  Never thought you’d be here.  Do you know how much this means?  When you came to me this evening,  I felt I was at last alive.  Do you know how much I love you,  how you’ve touched me deep inside? The first time I saw your face  my eyes began to open,  the child in my soul  seeing for the first time.  A sudden rush of longing,  a glimpse of how my life could be…  My life was nothing  next to the life you’ve given me. Now that we’re together,  vowed never to depart,  we’ll remain as one forever  in a union of the heart.  When you look, I’ll always be there.  Reach out, you’ll find my hand.  You will know how much I love you —  I will make you understand. When I look into your face,  my eyes finally open,  the child in my soul  gazes into paradise.  A sudden rush of longing,  satisfied by your love for me…  My life was nothing  next to the life you’ve given me.  

She’s okay, I guess —  less a mother than a friend.  After all that mess  it’s nice to see Dad in love again.  She treats him very well,  he’s attentive to her needs.  When you live through hell  you learn what love at a distance breeds. And as for me, the shell  that I so carefully applied  is finally wearing thin,  sunlight filters in.  I don’t need so much to hide. I still talk with Mom  she’s forgiven me for leaving,  but won’t take any fault —  blaming Dad is far too easy.  My sister holds a grudge  instead of leaving it behind.  If she’d only budge,  it sure would ease my father’s mind. But as for me, the shell  that I so carefully applied  is finally wearing thin,  sunlight filters in.  I don’t need so much to hide.  

I hear you have a child.  Your brother says she favors you.  He says she has your eyes  and does all the things you used to do.  We haven’t spoken in an eternity —  second-hand news is taking its toll.  Yes, I resent using a go-between,  but it beats hearing nothing at all. Where are you now?  Who’ve you become?  I wouldn’t know  but for my son… When you were very young,  I promised I’d always be there.  It killed me when your mom  made you believe that I didn’t care!  How could you turn your back on your father  after all I had done for you?  How can you face yourself in the mirror  knowing everything you put me through? Where are you now?  Still feel the same?  Happy to be  rid of my name? I’ve made many mistakes,  some that I hope you never repeat.  I have so much to say,  but somehow I doubt we’ll ever meet.  I must accept the fact that I’ve lost you —  I was never meant to have it all.  You’ll soon find out what life will cost you  if I can’t prevent your taking my fall. Where are you now,  my little girl?  Wish I could shield  you from the world…  Where are you now?  

Can’t believe I’m doing this,  standing here after all these years!  But something’s always bothered me  about the stories I used to hear.  The fact that I’m a mother now,  and I’ve known some joys and tears,  has made me think there’s another side  of the story I need to hear. Daddy, can we talk?  It’s not too late to listen  to your side of all we’ve lost,  to your pain-inflicted wisdom.  Daddy, can we talk?  Forgive me what I’ve done.  Let’s take a little walk  and say what’s done is done. Don’t know what I expected —  I froze when you opened the door.  The pain in your face reflected  the scars from that long-ago war.  Daddy, please don’t shut me out!  I came ’cause I have to know  your side of what it was all about.  Then, if you want, I’ll turn and go. There’s a whirlwind going ’round  in my mind. Why am I driven  to come to you and find  the piece I’m not sure is missing?  What is this empty place  in my heart? I can’t remember  what’s driven us apart.  How much of it was my mother? I’ve got a family now.  Would you like to come and meet them?  What I think I’ve found  is some peace and a touch of freedom.  I’m not sure where to start —  It’s been a long, long time.  I hope you know your part,  ’cause I sure don’t know mine… Daddy/Baby, can we talk?  It’s not too late to listen  to your side of all we’ve lost,  to your pain-inflicted wisdom.  Daddy/Baby, can we talk?  Forgive me what I’ve done.  Let’s take a little walk  and say what’s done is done. Daddy/Baby, can we talk?  Daddy/Baby, can we talk? So there’s room enough for me!  I didn’t know you listened.  I no longer have to be  a prisoner in my own life.  I fit in after all —  there’s nothing wrong with how you made me.  An answered prayer, Lord:  You gave me wings, now I can fly.  I can fly!  I can fly!  I can fly!